How to be a New Englander (for dummies)

-Julia Bond

(From our series Unspoken Rules of Being a New Englander)

Here’s your step-by-step guide on how to be a New Englander (for dummies).

First, you need to choose a state to be from.

But choose wisely because every other New England state will hate your guts due to some strange unspoken rivalry that has no start and no end.

Just be from Massachusetts to be safe.

Perfect!

Next, you’ll need to have the harshest exterior and no remorse for strangers.

Neighborliness does not exist in New England, that’s a southern thing.

Put on your RBF before leaving your suburban colonial with white walls and shiplap backsplash.

It may seem newly renovated, but little do you know your house was built over the ruins of some 18th century war and is deeply haunted and you WILL find out the hard way.

Next choose your meal for the day:

a singular Dunkin iced coffee, a greasy-oniony sub from Jersey Mike’s, a blunt, or dead racoon off the side of the road public safety never cared to pick up.

Finally, take a look at your weather app.

If it says 40 or higher, pull out your shorts and t-shirt because that’s what summer feels like.

But maybe bring a hat, gloves, umbrella, bathing suit, rain boots, towel sunscreen, and ski mask just in case it changes at the last second.

Use this guide at your discretion, but if you’re a real New Englander you’ll probably just ignore this anyway because

NOBODY gets to tell you how to act.

Julia Bond is a freshman at Franklin Pierce University.